Your Relationship After Baby
Welcome back! This month were discussing a topic that hits close to home for almost half of couples, the addition of a child! This is an excited new chapter, and it can present some challenges for couples. So what tools can new parents use to keep connected? Keep reading to learn about common relationship challenges when baby arrives and how to navigate them.
One of the first noticeable changes is the division of labor. Even couples without kids struggle to navigate who is responsible for what and what getting something done truly looks like. When we add on more tasks and pair them with sleep deprivation, conflict can start to heat up. One of the best ways to navigate this challenge is open communication around housework. Specifically discuss what needs to be done and what “completing” that task looks like. For example, dishes for one partner may mean putting them in the sink, while for another if might mean having them washed and put away. Clearly define what each chore means and talk when your ideas are different.
Another common challenge for couples is navigating different interactions with the child. Often the mother becomes the primary caregiver. By default, this means that she has more independent time with the child and is able to learn and respond to babies cues quicker; she is also able to learn this without an extra set of eyes watching her. When dad steps in and tries to learn how to parent, moms can be quick to step in and intervene. However, it is important for the mother to remember that she was able to try and explore different parenting styles and recognize that it is important for her partner to be able to do the same. By allowing each other independent time to learn about their new baby each parent can develop their own relationship with the child. Couples can grow together by sharing what they notice works well, validating one another as they navigate learning new things, and stepping away when it becomes challenging not to interfere with one another’s learning.
One of the most personal changes is in regard to time. Time for each partner to be alone, time for the couple to share together, and time for intimacy. When baby comes along there is suddenly one more person who needs attention in your home. And by attention we mean constant supervision and support with basic needs. This is exhausting! It cuts into your personal time and makes it hard for you and your partner to have one-on-one time alone. So plan a break during the day for each partner and plan date night or activities to do just the two of you. Ask someone to help with childcare so you two can get away. Plan time to connect when baby is asleep. While we don't recommend scheduling sex, we do recommend scheduling sensual time. Many times relaxing together in a romantic setting allows for desire to bloom which can turn into sex. Prioritize time for each other.
We only had space to share a few of the common challenges couples face when adding a child to their relationship. For more information on this topic, you can visit a Parents Newsletter here: https://www.parents.com/parenting/relationships/staying-close/marriage-after-baby/
We’ll be back next month to talk about parenting as kids get a little older!
Spice Things Up In Your Relationship
Welcome back! We hope your conversations about 2023 Goals went well! As we head into February and celebrate love, we’re here to share some tips to spice things up this year.
Before we dive into new ideas, please remember that sex should only be enjoyed when there is mutual consent between partners. The best sex is found in relationships where there is emotional connection, trust, and safety. If you and your partner are struggling in any of these areas, talk to your therapist for ways to increase connection and work towards building in more physical intimacy before trying new ideas.
Foreplay: An overlooked aspect of intimacy, foreplay is a physical or emotional sparks to prepare the mind and body for intimacy. One of the best ways to spark intimacy is to show desire early on build anticipation for the main event. To take this a step further you can have pre-foreplay where you send a flirty text message, prepare space to be intimate or take a shower together before things get physical. Once you’re ready for the main event, take things slow and build heat. One of the best ways to build heat is to use your voice and breath. Tell your partner what feels good or express it with a moan.
Sex: The moment you’ve been waiting for. When you and your partner get to intimacy, switching position is one way to make your session last longer and change the intensity of the act as different positions will provide different sensations for each partner. Play around with who is on top, rotate or tilt your hips to modify positions, or work as a team to purposefully delay and intensify orgasm.
Afterplay: Believe it or not, sharing time after intimacy is just as important. Try cuddling or kissing to increase serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. Continue to share the time together. Maybe you even begin to have conversations about intimacy, what you liked, things you find attractive about your partner, or your hopes for your sex life in the future.
Enjoy sharing new moments with your partner! Check back next month as we explore the impact children on relationships!
Goal Setting for Couples
Welcome back and Happy New Year!
As we welcome in the new year we wanted to share more ideas about how to create goals. A humorous couples podcast we recommend is “Couple Things.” In “Couple Things” your hosts Shawn Johnson and Andrew East discuss “couples and all the things they go through.” Each week the couple discusses a topic while sharing their personal story of having a guest who can share more on the topic. They share one of their yearly traditions of setting goals for the year. This month, we are walking you through their format and adding some tips of our own in the hopes of inspiring you! While this is discussed as a couple’s activity you can do this as an individual too!
To start, they recommend getting comfy and being prepared to make your goals. This means getting cozy on your couch or going to your favorite coffee shop. We recommend going somewhere so that you can reduce at home distractions and truly focus on your partner and your goals. It is also important to have your method of notetaking readily available so there are minimal interruptions along the way.
Some areas for goal setting include finances, travel, family, friends, marriage, health, philanthropy, home, business, faith, and personal development. Or course we suggest adding sex and intimacy to this list! Make this list personal and choose or create categories that best fit your lifestyle. If you are doing this with a partner, you will both need to have the same categories. Once you have your categories, set a timer and spend 5 minutes on each topic writing down what your vision in this area looks like. Consider if there are things you want to add to your life or things you want to reduce or remove. After you have done this for all your selected categories, take time and discuss your written goals with your partner. In this process work to blend your goals and compromise when needed to create unified couple/family goals. Make tangible goals: for example, have date night twice a month, donate $50 to a charity each month, or be intimate once a week. Remember that this is a fun activity! If this becomes stressful, take a short break and come back.
If you were inspired by the content in this newsletter, check out their Podcast “Couple Things,” you can listen to their goal setting episodes #48 and #100. We’ll be back next month to discuss intimacy and how you and your partner can spice things up this year!
Holiday Date Night
Welcome back!
We hope you and your family enjoyed a couple extra special date nights since last time! With winter holidays just around the corner it’s important to start thinking about how you want these events to look. Today, we’re offering some tips to prepare for this holiday season.
One of the first parts to preparing yourself for success is setting realistic expectations. Often, we find ourselves setting unrealistic goals for how our holidays will look. We take on more responsibilities and assume others will do the same. To make the “perfect” holiday, we say yes to every holiday event, commit to bringing food, gifts, or hosting, and we can quickly become overburdened. This can lead to increased stress or resentment around the holidays. As you prepare for this holiday season, be mindful of the traditions and rituals you value and find most important. Dedicate your time and resources to these events. Sometimes we may need to set a boundary and say no to additional obligations to leave space for the things we value most.
The next thing to focus on is maintaining your self-care. Remembering to spend time on self-care can reduce the chance of burnout and help keep your body healthy as well. In the busyness of day to day events, find small breaks to take time for yourself. This can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths, being mindful and tasting what you are eating, or participate in simple grounding techniques were you focus on one of the five senses for a short amount of time. Additional tools to help maintain self-care include aiming for 7 to 8 hours of sleep at night, 20 minutes of daily exercising, and making sure that you were providing your body with enough food and water to function. So often these necessities are the first to go in times of stress so here is your reminder to take care of yourself!
The final thing to consider this holiday season is shifting your mindset to a space where you give grace to yourself and others. This is a busy time of year. With added events and financial obligations, stress is likely to creep in. Be mindful of this added stress and share your feelings with a partner or a loved one. Ask for help when needed. Remember that others may be in the same boat. Show grace by being an active listener, checking-in with your family, and asking how you can support them during this time.
As you prepare for the holidays keep these simple tricks in mind. If you start noticing the impact of stress, talk to your therapist about specific tools that are tailored to you! We’ll be back next month to talk New Year’s Resolutions!
Date night ideas
Welcome back!
We hope that you were able to put some date night ideas to the test and have fun with your loved ones! This month were giving you even more date night ideas to keep your relationship hot this winter!
Date Night Out: For the nights when you’re interested and able to get out of the house…
-
Recreate your first date. If you can’t go back to the same spot, find something similar.
-
Head to Brick and Bourbon, Stillwater Proper, Matchstick, Domacin, Feller, or your favorite spot downtown for a delicious night out. Want a twist on this classic date night, invite another couple!
-
Go ax throwing at the Lumberjack.
-
Book a couples massage or sit is the Salt Cave at Just For Me “The Spa.” Have the ability to spend the night? Check out their overnight accommodations for a night away from home.
-
Cross the border and head to 45th Parallel Distillery in New Richmond, WI for Woodfire Pizza and craft cocktails.
Date Night In: For the nights that you can’t step away…
-
Create your own spa at home, draw a warm bath, light candles, and take turns giving each other massages.
-
Make a copycat of your favorite meal out. Half Baked Harvest has some great recipe ideas if you need inspiration.
-
Not up for cooking? Enjoy your favorite take out by candlelight.
-
Play a game together. Make it more interesting by adding a strip tease element for different achievements in the game.
-
Make a specialty coffee, sit together, and create a bucket list for future date night ideas.
Date Night with Kids: For the night that’s you just can’t shake the kids…
-
Breakfast for dinner, have the kids help with pancakes or take a trip to the Oasis Café. You could also try Not Justa Cafe in Bayport. The pancakes are bigger than your head!
-
Burn some energy for the kids at Skyzone, Stillwater Bowl, or Pinz.
-
As the cold weather approaches, plan a movie marathon weekend with cozy blankets, snacks, and drinks.
-
Go to Target and get supplies for a craft night. They have lots of prepackages activates so you can select the project that best fits your kid’s needs. Remember to check the box and pick up any additional supplies you may need.
-
Have the kids plan a date! Ask them what their favorite activity or place to go is and follow their lead.
Don’t forget to mark your calendar for Hometown For The Holidays November 25th through December 31st. Downtown Stillwater will be packed with events ranging from “Plaid Friday,” downtown lights, tea parties, horse-drawn carriage rides, craft shows, to breakfast with Santa!
https://events.discoverstillwater.com/event/hometown-for-the-holidays-2/
Still looking for ideas, check out the Adventure Challenge Books at the link bellow for more activities for couples and families!
https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/
We’ll be back next month to check in about managing holiday stresses this winter.
Maintaining Date Night
Welcome back! As we enter this new season of school and fall sports many couples struggled to find time to connect as they transition back into their old routines. This month we'll be looking at specific tools to help increase connection during this busy season of life.
Find time for yourself! In a busy world, it can be easy to get caught up in all the day-to-day activities. School drop-off, work, sports practice, coaching, chores, and other obligations quickly fill our calendars. Oftentimes, we hear about people getting so caught up in these day-to-day activities that they start to burn out. A post from AnxietyCenter in 2021 reports nearly 1 in 4 adults are suffering from mental illness in the U.S. They discussed the rise in adult mental health to be caused by increased pressures at home and work, increase social media use, reduced face-to-face interactions with loved ones, poor sleep, and increase financial pressures. One of the best ways we can combat the feeling of burnout and stress is to take intentional time for ourselves.
Like a battery, we need to recharge in order to keep going. Find and schedule time for yourself in the midst of a busy day. This might look like waking up earlier or staying up a little later to have 20 minutes to enjoy coffee or read a book. Either way, it is important to take time to sit down, soak in a bath, call a friend, or go for a walk. Whatever you need - do it and ask for help from supportive people in your life when needed.
As a couple, check in with what each other needs during the day and ask how you can be supportive of them. Again, be intentional about this time. Schedule a time to check in if you are unable to give space to this naturally. This can easily be added to your routine by asking what they need the next day before going to bed, checking in while brushing teeth, over morning coffee, or packing the kids up for the day. Find a time and be intentional.
Schedule date night! But doesn't that make it boring or seem like a chore? No! By protecting and setting aside this time you show that you respect and value your partner, their needs, their time, and your relationship. The simple act of scheduling date night becomes an act of service when we are intentional about it. Similar to events at work or with friends, make sure that you reschedule if you are unable to make a date.
Before sending you off, here are some extra date night ideas to try as a couple (out or at home), and even some ideas of how to include the kids if needed.
-
Bar hop for your meal - Stop at one place for an appetizer, another for dinner, and a final stop for dessert. Make sure to check out Nelsons Ice Cream before they close for the season.
-
Take a dance class together - Dance and Entertainment Studios in Stillwater offer ballroom, line, Latin, and country dance classes.
-
Watch the sunset - find your favorite outlook or sit outside at home, cuddle up with a blanket, and watch the sunset together.
-
Have a chocolate tasting night at home - Check out Candyland in downtown Stillwater and grab a few items for an at-home taste test. Kids welcome!
-
Make a scavenger hunt at home with the kids - Have the kids look for items around the house that point to a movie night at home with all the blankets, candy, soda, and popcorn. Make sure you and your partner “find” your own adult beverage to sip on during the show.
-
Have your kids help serve YOU dinner - Ask the kids if they can help set the table for mom and dad, bring you water, napkins, and small dishes along the way. Get them invested in your date!
Check back next month for even more date night ideas to keep your relationship hot this winter!
Guide To Getting It On
Welcome back! If you’ve made it through the past couple of months, you’ll be happy to see today’s topic is more upbeat. Several of you have made comments about the “Guide To Getting It On” sitting on the bookshelf in the office. Today we are cracking the cover of Paul Joannides’s book to share some of his ideas about romance in relationships, kissing, and the importance of getting naked.
On Romance: “Romance is something thoughtful you do for someone you love.” A common theme seen in our office is couples who feel more like roommates than lovers. This missing piece is often romance. Joannides sums it up perfectly with his comment that romance is something thoughtful that you DO. Many couples talk about wanting a date night or specific acts of service and believe that these things come naturally in a relationship. What we forget is that romance changes over time which requires us to put in some effort.
In the beginning of your relationship, it was probably easy to pick a night and go out for dinner and a movie. But if you have kids, this previously simple date night now includes finding a babysitter, prepping dinner for the kids, and being on a tight timeline. Date night is still possible, it just looks different. Romantic acts change over time and over the course of a relationship, but it always comes down to intentionally doing something thoughtful for someone you love.
On Kissing: “Kissing a partner on the lips makes more of an emotional statement than kissing on the genitals.” A bold and true claim! Kissing is one of the most intimate things we do in relationships. Why? Kissing releases oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, giving us a euphoric feeling that encourages affection and connection. Kissing is associated with being loved. During a kiss, we are up close and personal with another person and directly interact with their senses of vision, touch, hearing, smell, and taste. Our lips are one of the most sensitive parts of the body. Kissing is an intimate experience. Research from The Gottman Institute often talks about the importance of a six-second kiss (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-six-second-kiss/) and its positive impact on couples allowing a seemingly simple routine to feel romantic. If you and your partner feel like roommates, adopt this habit!
On Getting Naked: “In relationships, there are different kinds of nakedness. Sometimes, we just get physically naked. Other times, we get emotionally naked as well.” Joanndies suggests that as a culture we are anxious about being naked. Many high school athletes are afraid of changing in locker rooms. This mentality follows us into adulthood as we change at home before and after the gym. It is no surprise that couples experience timidness around being naked as well, quickly covering up when changing.
Being naked with a partner can build honesty and trust. We learn how to feel vulnerable and intimate with our partners without the expectation of sex. By being naked together, we can learn that our bodies are worthy regardless of their shape and size. We learn that our bodies are capable of many things and deserve to be respected physically and emotionally.
We hope that you have enjoyed this peek into Joanndies’s book, the “Guide to Getting It On.” This week we encourage couples to talk about how date night has changed throughout their own relationship and find space to prioritize the relationship in the midst of fall schedule changes. It doesn’t have to be difficult. Leave a love note on the fridge, text your partner to check in on their day, or share a lingering six-second kiss before you go. Create a spark!
We’ll be back next month to share some specific ideas for maintaining date night in the fall!
Normalizing ED
Intimacy and Erectile Dysfunction
Welcome back! Today we’re diving into a topic that hits close to home in many relationships, especially with men. While topics relating to challenges in the bedroom may not be easy or enjoyable to talk about, they are extremely important. Today we’re outlining some tools that may be helpful for you and your partner when facing Erectile Dysfunction (ED).
Contrary to common belief, ED impacts men of all ages. A study by The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 1 in 4 men under the age of 40 reported challenges getting and maintaining an erection firm enough for satisfying sex. This number rises to 1 in 2 men by the age of 50.
ED is biopsychosocial. Meaning that there are physical factors, psychological factors, and relationship factors that impact the ability to get and maintain an erection. Some of the physical factors include health habits, vascular health, and hormonal health. The lifestyle patterns we discussed in regard to a low sex drive show up again with ED. Smoking has been shown to have a significant impact on sexual health due to challenges with both the respiratory and vascular systems. Other health habits such as alcohol and drug use, lack of exercise, poor diet or weight gain, and lack of sleep have also been shown to impact a man’s ability to get and maintain an erection. We recommend consulting with your physician if you believe there are vascular or hormonal concerns that may be impacting the ability of you or your partner to maintain an erection.
Psychological and social factors that may lead to ED include anxiety, depression, and stressors within the relationship. Anticipatory anxiety about ED and performance maintains a negative cycle of ED. We offer support and therapy to men who may be struggling with ED. We teach men how to alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression and coach them on how to have conversations about the experience of ED in their relationship. Couples who are able to discuss ED openly are able to work together to find solutions that work for them.
Generally, women take one of two responses. They become “motherly,” disregarding the need for sex to be part of intimacy or they become hyper-focused on sex and reaching orgasm. Neither of these options are beneficial for a healthy sex life.
One of our go-to conversations is talking about “goal-oriented vs. feels good” sex. Far too often when a woman takes the stance of being over sexual, the goal is to reach orgasm. In that thought pattern, we leave out arousal and the good stuff that happens in between. By helping couples shift their focus to what feels good – touch, sensation, anticipation – sex becomes more of an experience than a means to an end. Often times this means increasing emotional “foreplay” throughout the day, exploring sexual non-erotic touch, and then sexual touch without the goal of an erection or orgasm. Slowing down and learning how to enjoy one another using sensual touch increases connection and reduces stress around sex.
For more specific ideas and tools for you and your partner, talk to your therapist! Were here to help and want to encourage you on your journey to satisfying sex. You can start a conversation about intimacy at home with your partner by asking each other to name their favorite type of touch and where! Check back next month as we talk about subtleties in romance.
Low Sex Drive Driving You Nuts?
Identifying Low Sex Drive
Welcome back! If you missed last month, we encourage you to go back and check out last month’s post about Arousal and Desire as this could be the boost you need to increase a lower sex drive. We recommended taking the Erotic Blueprint Quiz to help uncover your specific style of arousal. While arousal and desire are important parts of discussing a low sex drive, today we are reviewing some other topics that are important to look into as well.
Disclaimer: We are not medical providers; we are relational therapists. We do not provide specific medical advice or treatment. If something we discuss sounds familiar to you, we recommend that you discuss any specific health concerns with your doctor.
In our practice, it is common to hear about one or both partners having a low sex drive. The following information is based on clinical research and our professional experiences which suggest several health habits can impact libido.
Lifestyle Patterns. Some of our day-to-day activities that may contribute to a lower sex drive include poor sleep hygiene, getting too much or too little exercise, high alcohol or tobacco consumption, and medications. Some medications such as birth control, beta-blockers, antihistamines, and antidepressants may have side effects that negatively impact your libido. In many cases, you can discuss concerns about side effects with your provider and try a new medication. Similar to medications, a small lifestyle change may have a big impact on boosting your libido.
Health concerns may also be a factor in a low sex drive. Health conditions such as diabetes, thyroid imbalance, hormonal imbalance (low testosterone for men; menopause for women), and other chronic illnesses may be an underlying cause of a low sex drive. Again, we recommend that you consult with your doctor to discuss any underlying health concerns that may be impacting your libido.
Relational and Life Stressors. Relational factors can impact our libido as well. These include situations where stress is high, there is a lack of trust in the relationship, challenges with communication, boredom, lack of privacy, worry about kids, or body image concerns individual interest in sex can go out the window. This is where we can help! Different seasons of our lives may bring depression, anxiety, or relational conflict, and our job is to help you and your partner through these challenges. Each couple will have different needs. We can help guide a conversation about your specific needs and barriers to intimacy. Most couples find that when they can identify and talk about their concerns around sex that they can begin to problem solve and create a better sex life together. Many times we see that couples have assumptions about intimacy, when we are able to explore these openly, couples tend to find more areas where they overlap.
Past experience of trauma can also impact your libido. Many individuals with past trauma experience anger and irritability which may reduce relational intimacy or the desire for intimacy. Flashbacks, fear, loss of control, and negative cognitions can also have an impact on libido and the enjoyment of intimacy. We generally encourage individuals with trauma to seek individual support in addition to couples counseling for best results.
As we wrap up the conversation about libido, we challenge you and your partner to review your own sex drive and health. Consider how your interest in sex has changed over the years or the course of your relationship and review the impact that your lifestyle habits have on your sex drive. If it is helpful, identify one thing you can do for one another to support your sex drive.
Next month we explore Erectile Dysfunction. We’ll be taking a closer look at the statistics, causes, and how couples can maintain intimacy through Erectile Dysfunction.
Let's Talk About Sex
Let’s Talk About Sex
Welcome back! In the next couple of months, we are diving into intimacy. We will be addressing topics such as desire and arousal, low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, and more!
Before we can start addressing the physical aspects of intimacy we are going to check in with the emotional aspect of intimacy. One of my favorite places to start with couples is talking about the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Chapman is a New York Times bestselling author, marriage counselor, and speaker. He is famous for his work creating the Five Love Languages Quiz.
The reason why I start with this quiz is to help couples build an emotional connection. Having a strong emotional connection is an important tool to have when addressing areas for growth in relationships. I commonly discuss how being able to meet your partner’s Love Language is like getting your oil changed in your car. You need to do it regularly, there are several oil options to choose from, and your car probably works best when given the specific oil it needs. Sure, any oil can get the job done, but your car will run better with the oil it specifies. So will your partner.
So will your relationship. If your partner’s Love Language is Acts of Service and you offer them Gifts, this is a nice gesture, but that is not what your partner needs in order to feel loved. By taking the time to learn one another’s Love Language you show your partner that their needs are important, that you are willing to listen, and show them that you care. Meeting your partner’s emotional needs is an important component in a satisfying relationship.
Our date night idea this week is to sit down together and take the Five Love Language Quiz. If you have taken the quiz, use the time to go over your responses again or take the quiz again, and see how successful you have been at meeting one another's needs. Share what your partner has done well and something that could add to make you feel extra special. You can also take this quiz with kids and make this a family activity.
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
Enjoy the quiz and join us next month as we uncover arousal and desire within relationships.
How to not be a jerk in your relationship
The Four Horsemen
The wait is over! We're back continuing with Gottman’s metaphor about unhealthy communication patterns in relationships: The Four Horsemen. Last month, we addressed The Secret About Contempt and offered some recommendations for addressing this pattern in your relationship. This month, we are addressing the remaining three horsemen.
Criticism. This is one of the most common and easiest patterns to fall into when communicating with our partners. When something goes wrong or differently than planned, we start to wonder why. It is easiest to find explanations outside of our own actions and our partner becomes targeted. While we are allowed to share our frustrations and complaints with our partners, criticism is different because it is an attack on our loved one’s character. For example, if the garbage is not taken out after you asked your partner to help with this chore a criticism would be, “The garbage is still here. You never help around the house, do you even care?” instead of offering a reminder, “Hey, the garbage needs to be taken out. Can you take the garbage out, please?”
In relationships, criticism is combated by taking ownership of your experience in the situation. Share how you feel and what you need without placing blame on your partner. Give them an opportunity to try again. By coming to your partner and sharing your experience in a softer manner, you give them an opportunity to respond and meet your needs without becoming defensive. This leads to the next horseman…
Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a response where we defend and protect our sense of self, often as a result of being criticized. To continue with the example above, you might respond to criticism about the garbage by justifying your busy day. “You know that I was working on other projects last night. Why can’t you just do it yourself?” Unfortunately, this response doesn’t solve the problem and more often than not, the conflict escalates. While this may be a natural reaction when you feel criticized there is a better way to respond.
Take responsibility. Acknowledge where you had an obligation and take steps to resolve the issue. For example, you could respond by saying, “I had a busy day and forgot to take the garbage out. I’m sorry, I will do that right now.” This response will likely accomplish the original goal and diffuse the situation for both partners.
The final horseman is Stonewalling. Stonewalling is when our bodies physically withdraw from the conversation. We disengage and tune out of the conversation by giving the silent treatment, looking away, leaving the room, or engaging in other tasks. At this point, our body has dipped into the fight-or-flight response. We are no longer able to listen or have rational discussions.
At this time, couples need to step away from one another and take a break. The partner who is stonewalling can do something to calm their body down again. This can be going for a walk, taking deep breaths, reading a book, or something else they find helpful. If this becomes a pattern in your relationship, it is important to talk to your partner about recognizing when to take a break in conversations so that you can both be attentive to one another’s needs.
Interested in learning more about The Four Horseman. Check out this short video From the Gottman Institute that discusses the Four Horseman and common antidotes.
Come back next month as we start to dive into topics around intimacy in relationships.
The Secret About Contempt
The Secret About Contempt
Welcome back! Last month we discussed what to do when you catch yourself feeling stuck in your relationship. Hopefully, you were able to try something new. If not, here is your reminder to try again! Ask your partner to go for a walk or sit outside with you and reminisce about fall dates you went on at the beginning of your relationship. Then, try to recreate it.
But what if you tried something new and it didn’t go as planned? What if you didn’t want to ask your partner to try something new? What if they refused? Today, we are talking about contempt and how it can harm your communication and overall relationship satisfaction.
What is contempt? Research from The Gottman Institute discusses contempt as one of “Four Housemen of the Apocalypse” in relationships. Contempt can be an eye roll, name-calling, or responding in a condescending or sarcastic tone. Contempt typically starts small and builds over time. At first, we give an eye roll when our partner asks us a question, then we respond sarcastically, and before we know it we begin to attack their personality. This slowly chips away at relationships. Eventually, it can get in the way of seemingly little things - like date night - and make the experience unpleasant for everyone. If you notice some of your behaviors mentioned above, here are some things we recommend.
Use I-Statements. I-statements are a basic form of communication when someone shares how another person’s actions, or lack thereof, make them feel. For example, someone might say, “I feel hurt when you don’t engage in a new activity, I feel like you don’t care.”
By using I-Statements, you allow your partner to hear what you have to say without blaming them. This increased the chance of them responding to use instead of getting defensive. Over time this can help with your overall communication and making sure that both of your needs are heard and met.
Reminisce about the beginning of your relationship. Most people get married because they are deeply in love with one another. So look at old pictures, talk about what made you say yes to the second date, your wedding, or other milestones in your relationship.
Compliment your partner. Share with your partner something you find attractive about them, something you admire about them, or something they do that you appreciate.
Interested in learning more about contempt and other ways to communicate? Check out this blog from The Gottman Institute discussing contempt for more examples and antidotes for your relationship. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/
Check back next month as we uncover the three other horsemen that Gottman refers to and how they may be impacting your relationship.
Stress During a Pandemic
Welcome back!
Twenty twenty-two has continued to look very similar to the past two years. With a rise in positive Covid-19 cases, we are continuing to experience stress and uncertainty. Many schools are changing their mask policies for students or transitioning back to distance learning. We are also seeing Minneapolis and St. Paul reinstate indoor mask mandates. January of 2022 did not offer a new start and you’re frustrated.
We hear you! Today we want to talk about the impact of stress on relationships and offer some tools to help boost your spirit.
When put under increased stress and uncertainty, we generally react in one of three ways. We become irritable, reactive, or shut down. Signs of irritability may be feeling defensive, being impatient with others, being overly critical, and overreacting to situations. Signs of increased reactivity include checking up on someone frequently, being clingy, feeling insecure in the relationship, or having trouble sitting still. Signs of withdrawal include having trouble expressing how you are feeling, avoiding doing activities, and being overly involved in unproductive activities like watching TV. Whether someone leans towards being irritable, overly clingy, or withdrawn their partners generally start to feel stressed and overwhelmed. This can lead to conflict during communication or the other partner pulling away. These responses create negative patterns in relationships. So, what do we do?
Start by talking with your partner. I like to have couples plan a time to “check-in” with one another when they can be uninterrupted. When you do not have a lot of time, use direct questions or scales to help identify how each partner is feeling. Ask your partner on a scale of one to ten (with ten being the highest) how they are doing today. After your partner identifies the number, ask what they need to make that number stay the same or rise just a little bit. This should be something direct and small like helping to unload the dishwasher, helping the kids with homework, or giving a hug. The goal of this question is to share with your partner what you’re feeling and identify something tangible that they can do to support you.
For couples who have more time, I encourage them to ask each other to share something positive, negative, and unique that happened in their day. The partner asking should not interrupt or attempt to problem-solve. If the partner sharing would like help with problem-solving now is the time to ask, otherwise treat this as a “vent session” and an opportunity to learn more about each other’s day.
The more we can check in with one another, even when brief, the more we will know about our partner’s experience during stress and how to support them. Couples who can navigate this have better communication and increased connection.
As a way to help we are going to share more ideas about date nights and questions to ask your partner on our Facebook Page. If you’re interested in learning more about connecting with your partner, give us a like on Facebook to be notified about new tips and tricks. We'll be back next month to share more about relationships dealing with uncertainty.
Relationship Goal Setting
Happy New Year!
Welcome back! We hope that you have been able to thrive in the holiday season, enjoying time with your loved ones, and practicing gratitude.
As we enter 2022, we want to help set you up for success with your New Year’s Resolutions. Just over forty percent of Americans set a resolution for the year, and of those around 10 percent achieve their goals. As you can imagine, a majority of resolutions are focused on eating healthier, exercising more, or losing weight. Most resolutions require lifestyle changes and dedication to meet the goal. To help, here are some tips to boost your success.
Simplify. Set one, simple goal. All too often we dedicate ourselves to more than one goal. We aspire to eat healthier by ditching sugar, cutting out carbs, and making all our meals at home. The challenge is that this goal has too many parts which can be overwhelming. By narrowing it down to one specific action we are more likely to succeed and see long term results.
Be Realistic. Using the previous goal, if we plan to make all of our meals at home sooner or later, we are going to get into a pinch. We will be invited out with friends, get caught up in travel, or want to have a date night outside of the house. Instead of making an all or nothing resolution, be realistic with yourself and find small areas where you can be successful. Maybe instead you add one more meal a week at home or prep lunch instead of ordering most days. Be realistic and set small goals for yourself. You can always up the ante later!
Make Measurable Goals. So, your goal is to exercise more, Great! But what does “exercising more” mean to you? Do you plan to work out three times a week, make it to a fitness class once a month, or go for a walk each day? People who create measurable goals find them to be more motivating and a have a good way to check in with their progress.
Are you in the forty percent of Americans who made a New Year’s Resolution? If you are, think about these three tips when setting your goal. Bonus if you can share your goal with a partner and hold each other accountable! To learn more tips, check out this post from Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.
We’ll be back next month to explore a common theme we see in our office!
Accessing Gratitude
Welcome to the Foundation Therapies Newsletter! We are so glad that you are here! Foundation Therapies, Inc. is a boutique clinic in downtown Stillwater serving the St. Croix Valley. We specialize in couples counseling, sex therapy, and individual counseling with a focus on relationships.
We have created this monthly Newsletter to better connect with our clients and community. Here, we will explore themes we see in therapy, tips and tools for relationships, and share our date night ideas to help couples connect!
These newsletters will be filled with ideas and information designed to encourage you in your relationships. Some topics we look forward to exploring with you include themes we are seeing in therapy such as feeling uncertainty about a relationship, how to navigate conflict and boost intimacy. We are also excited to share some of our favorite information from our favorite researchers, podcasts, and books. The information provided is for your enjoyment and is not a substitute for therapy. If you find yourself interested in learning more about a topic that is covered, we encourage you to reach out!
Before we head into the new year, we wanted to share our favorite tip for thriving this holiday season. Gratitude. While you are probably familiar with the term, gratitude is much more than being thankful for something. Gratitude is clinically shown to reduce anxiety and depression, improve our mood, and boost relationships.
An easy way to practice gratitude is by changing the way we talk about our situations. When we say, “I get to go Christmas shopping” or “I am able to host a holiday party” we change how we see the events. We no longer “have to” go to the store or clean the house, we have the privilege of doing something for our loved ones. This simple change is not going to make us forget that the lines are long or that our to-do list seems never ending. Instead, it allows us to hold space for both. Preparing for the holidays is stressful AND it is a privilege that we get to enjoy.
To learn more about Gratitude, check out this post from Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.
This holiday season, try talking about your plans differently with your loved ones! We’ll be back next year to check-in about New Year’s Resolutions and how to keep them.